Atleast, that's what we'd like to think.
Throughout my blogging I have failed to mention details on my family. This is for many reasons. For one, I don't think it's fair to put every little detail about someone's family on the world-wide-web.
*Can I take the moment to point out that "www." is written in English?
Second, I have failed to find a way to describe my life without sounding too negative. This is something I struggle with everyday. My situation is very unique in a way I have yet found to describe.
Three, no one is at fault. Four, no one knows the problems.
Scratch that. I know the problems, they just sound pathetic. It's a "you have to be here" kind of situation.
So here goes my story. Note that I had to go back and read my journal to understand my first thoughts and emotions.
In the beginning.
I didn't want to meet my host family. Infact, I was scared to death. I would have done just about anything to have AFS give me a hotel and call it good. So from this you can conclude it started out wrong. All wrong. And I can explain why.
When a family signs up for AFS they have to complete an application. This includes photos, descriptions, and more things to get to know your host family. I didn't receive this until two or three weeks before I left. And I could not be any more thankful that I didn't receive it earlier.
The application simply gives...well... not the best description. Pictures of dressed up people in animation-Japanese characters didn't help either. I'm not trying to boast, but I was very, and I repeat VERY open minded when I entered the family. I erased the profile from my mind in order to start over.
So after being relieved that only my host parents were there to pick me up, we walked to the car.
The nine seat-er, no armrest and all bench seating manual driven car. Falling apart and not able to go at full speed, my first ride in the car I was scared to death.
Which of course is a bit of an exaggeration, but I was scared. Confused. Hadn't gotten much sleep the past week. You know...
This was possibly my second sign of culture shock, as my first was how dry Spain was. I thought for sure we had gotten on the wrong flight.
But I can save that for another post. Those are the small things such as weird looking light switches, no hangers in the closet, no laundry basket, etc. etc.
My first few days were so disasterous I can't even start to tell the long story. Not only did I not see hardy any of the "real" side of Madrid for days, but all we did was run around the odd parts of the city getting I don't even remember what for my visa. That in it's self is a whole different post. I didn't understand hardly anything. I was still in shock that people were speaking to me in a different language. I expected it of course, but the reality of it actually happening? Tiring.
Like really tiring. Not to mention we walked everywhere. A concept I wasn't very used to...
The first week passes, and the orientation on the Saturday the week after arrival was a life saver. Literally. I had no contact with anyone until about then. I also had limited Internet and phone usage, as I had no cell phone or wifi. I shared a computer, but you can imagine I didn't get much time with six other people using it...
As I go back and read in my journal, I realize that the first few days the big thing was I never knew where I was going. I also hated when people asked me questions for about the first few weeks. Listening (not trying to understand, but just listening) was very tiring. When people asked me questions, I had to try harder to understand and respond with something un-foolish. Most of the time I realied with, "OK", as this does not mean yes or no.
That was the other thing. It's like, someone tells you something, but it's not important. If you make them repeat themselves, fine. But they'll just keep talking. So like after you finally understand useless fact #1 they continue to tell you useless fact #2 and you continue to feel like an idiot as you answer with "uh huh, ooh really? ah-ok. mhmm"
So you can say you understand and they stop talking, or you tell them you're confused and they just keep jabbering away. You can imagine how "intelligent" I was in the first bit. Having the ability to respond with sincerity and emotion was always taken for granted...
And the concept of taking the metro everywhere was completely foreign. I felt as if it was a joke and I was on vacation, as vacation was the only time I would ever use the metro.
Hats off to the Madrid metro though, it's one of the cleanest in the world.
So time passes. And this is where I am stuck. I don't know how to explain my situation without sounding like a horrible person.
My host family is not in the greatest financial situation. Shortcuts around the house are completely fine with me, I have no problem about that. But it comes to a point where you feel like you are a burden on them. And it's gets so ridiculous, you are calculating the price of a glass of juice. The more time that passes, the more I feel out of place.
One of the first signs I felt like an outsider was when I had to pay for my own set of house keys. This cost me a little over twenty US dollars.
And it also really confused me.
As time went by, I thought feeling like an outsider was just a question of getting used to everything.
Well, not quite.
Four months after my arrival I can say that I am happy. I can also say that I've done everything on my own. Every single problem I can remember I solved on my own or with the help of others not in my host family. This isn't necesarily a bad thing, but just made me wonder why my host family wanted a student. Why host if you aren't interested? Or don't start conversation with them? Why host if you don't want to show them around town? Or suggest them activites that they can do? Why host if your family does absolutely nothing outside of school?
Seriously! My application had hockey five times a week, horseback riding on the weekends, soccer, photography, traveling, and MUCH MORE! WHY PICK ME?!
That was my frusterating for many, many long weeks. I did not understand why I had been placed with this family.
And then we started talking.
I do not know how to explain the conversation that I had with my host mom one day, but I found a very different story. After a very long conversation, I found out my host family (to this day) doesn't understand how AFS works. They thought that they were responsible for giving me a bed and the same amount of food everyone else is the family gets.
Sure, what else does a kid need- right?
Supposably this is what happened. My host family sent an email to AFS asking for more information. The next thing that happens is they picked a student. My family requested an American student. AFS gave them two (possibly the last two) profiles of American exchange students. Myself and another girl.
My family chose me soley on the fact that I had siblings in the United States (1) and the other girl was an only child. They thought it was a better choice since there were already four kids here in my host family.
(Doesn't that make me feel special...especially after all that hard application work...they got it in English so they didn't even read it...)
Sometime after my host family chose me, the president of AFS-Spain came to their house and explained how AFS worked.
This is when my host family found out they would not receive money from AFS, nor be able to send one of their kids on AFS without cost.
To this day I am confused as how this thought ever came about, but AFS is only volunteers.
With time, I found myself doing everything on my own. Need cough drops? Go find them. Need notebook? Go get it. Need this? Good luck finding it. Etc. Etc.
It was annoying. Now? I don't mind. I'm very used to it. The problem? I'm not part of a family. Well ok sure. Live under the same roof. Is that the definition? I don't think so... as I have a brother who lives under a roof in Italy.
I once went out of my box and asked if I could borrow dental floss. I couldn't find mine, and why not start to have more of that 'family' type of daily life?
They didn't have dental floss.
And I will never forget the look on their faces when I asked. It must be a foreign thing in this household...
But don't worry. I eventually found mine. I mean like, there's not too many places it could be...
Little things here and there add up. Rather quickly. I don't think it helped that they didn't realize I knew nothing about this country when I got here. And once I did, it was too much like a hotel. Here's your bed, we eat at this time, and if you need anything, ask.
Awesome. I have to ask for everything I need.
Lesson Learned: There are things in life you need, but can live without. You can't ask for them, but can only appreciate them once or if they are given to you.
It would be like saying:
"Can you pretend to be interested in showing an exchange student around town? Or pretend to welcome me? Thanks."
And when someone tells you that there is NOTHING to do in MADRID? Go figure. Never thought there'd be something to do in a city of about 3 million people...
And that's not the reason why there is 'nothing' to do in Madrid. They later explained that if there is something, they don't know about it.
Because they don't do activities...
But I've gotten past of most of these things. I kind of come and go, and not much more is done. If I want to do something, I find it, go, and pay for it by myself. This is completely fine, as I am almost 18. (The time when in America people are considered adults, because kids here live with their parents until they're like 30...)
The "hotel like" life has proven to be quite awkward, as while in someone's home you have a feeling that you NEED to be... wanted? liked? I'm not sure which word to fill in here. You need to be a member. Not a resident.
But I would like to say that my host family is very nice. Despite the awkward moments and differences, they are nice people. This Christmas break has been tough, as I feel like together everything has improved- to a point. I also know that I talked to AFS Spain, and they told me I am switching after Christmas break.
I don't know where.
I don't know when.
I don't know who.
And I don't know how to explain to my host family why.
The thing is, most of the problems come down to money. Sounds terrible, but true. There are no activities, which is huge. Then the part of feeling like a burden. And then the part of having a messed up diet due to a lack of quality and quantity of food. And when the friend of your host sibling jokes about the government giving your host family their house as a type of...financial aide? It just pushes things over the edge. Like a cliff.
I'm not sure what is true as far as the jokes, or what is reality or what I may just be dreaming, but the actualy reality is simple. Something isn't working, I'm not comfortable, and I don't feel like I can relate to many people.
AFS is an organization that gives students that family experience that a year abroad in college doesn't have. I could come back to live on my own in Spain and do whatever I want. This is not why I'm here now.
AHORA MISMO
I am in the first emotions of an exchange studnet waiting to hear where in the world they will live.
Exciting, right?
-mb
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