Lately I've been sitting around, asking myself the same, very irritating question;
"So what's left?"
Another year is starting. New kids are leaving. And life is moving on.
The hardest of culture shock is going back to school, two months later. It's knowing that everything to come has been changed... long before it's arrived.
Currently I am a (senior) PSEO (Post Secondary Education Options) student at the local college. For those who are familiar with this program you already know that this program allows me to go to college for free while receiving both high school and college credit. You can start this program in 11th grade. Therefore, it is possible to enter college as a 3rd year student in college, that is, if you decide to take two years of PSEO classes.
My first block is at the high school for a CIS (College in Schools) Chemistry class. The next three blocks are at the college. My typical school day is being at the high school, studying before going across the street, and then taking whichever college classes I have for the day.
It's an interesting bunch of folks at the local college. By no means is it Duke, or Harvard, or the highest college in the state. No one knows what year you are, where you come from, or really any information about you. So it's been nice. I'm able to go to school without feeling like I'm in day care.
The media raves about being a senior in high school. And I'll even admit that it got me, too. Even while I was on the other side of the ocean. Senior year is...senior year. Filled of all the magical things you'd ever dream about...
When you get to senior year it is then that you realize there is not any one thing special about being the oldest in the building.
The public talks up seniors even when they don't realize it. They are the best sports players. They are the smartest kids in the school. They are the leaders. They get crowned king and queen. They are the this, and that.
The more seniors you know, the cooler you are. Isn't that how it works?
The aftermath of exchange is silently alarming. Recently I've been going through the motions on how a year in Europe changed my life, and how it will never be the same again.
The first thing is, it's [the aftermath] nothing exciting. Like being a senior in high school. You get there, and...."oh." This is it? Really? That's dissappointing.
As of now, I'm looking at my options to going back to Europe for college. "Where" and "how much" are the two stubborn questions in my way.
After one week of a small college (ranked #1 in the area, however) the feeling of "stepping down" never leaves my mind. This is a step down from last year. Less adventure, less challenges... and it's boring. Once you've been through something so difficult and different, going back to smaller challenges is frusterating.
Because you know you are capable of doing so much more.
So- now what?
Going to school off campus for 75% of the day doesn't really help me connect with my friends that I have been out of contact with for so long. The fact that we will be moving to the opposite side of the United States within the next year does not help either. And whether we like it or not, everyone will be going their own separate ways next school year. We'll be starting another 'chapter' in our life. This 'life' will not be our 'life' forever. Time passes, things change.
Dejavu or what! Last year I knew I only had one year in Spain. It was only going to be my life for one year. This year is the same. This will be my last time living this type of life. Then comes some years in college.
And for those of you who are all worried, college will not last you your entire life.
The pattern of change. How you may be comfortable in one spot, but then force to pack up your bags and leave. It's beautiful, isn't it?
So back to the point. The aftermath of exchange is just piecing your timeline together. School, money, future plans, etc.
What doesn't help is the distance put between you and the people you once knew. Your teachers, friends. Anyone you once knew has changed...but only because now you look at them differently.
At school I was asked by a teacher while walking down the hall- "Hi, welcome back! How was Spain?"
WHILE WALKING PAST ME.
This gives me the time allowance of about two sentences. One of which is 'hello'.
Another culture shock. Or maybe it's just a personal challenge. A sum-up-your-year-in-one-word challenge.
Things like this frusterate me. And naturally things that are so frusterating bring me to ask myself, "how can they do that? Are they stupid? How am I supposed to answer that? Do they even have a clue what an exchange year is? Or better yet a clue of anything? Do they even have a clue about life?!"
I'm asking myself if fully educated individuals have a clue about life. Awesome.
And they were only trying to be friendly.
It's unfortunate that "hi, how are you?" has the same level of "hi, how was your totally bizzarre adventurous challenged filled year in Spain?"
Like really? What if I would have said it didn't go well? What would they have told me then?
"Oh, that's too bad."
Cause obviously there wasn't time for explaining. They weren't even planning on listening to more!...
And that is how the aftermath sits. Very uncomfortable, in bleachers.
Watching others play the game.
-mb
PS- Today last year, I arrived to NYC airport, went to the JFK hotel, and spent my very last night in the states. And the weirdest part is how I remember it so clearly. The last day of being in the states. Knowing that when I'd return, I wouldn't be the same person.
*And the USD was up about .04 or so too ;)
