It's like looking at your reflection. We saw ourselves coming over, and now we look at ourselves going back. But we're not really ourselves anymore. We're different. And it's frightening. Thinking back to the first months is like looking at baby pictures. I've said it before. One year changes you.
I cannot believe time has gone by so fast. Surely some days are really long. But in the end? This year flew. And it flew so fast, I'm not sure if I even got to watch it go by.
[Not much has scared me this year. Besides the cockroaches, which are GIGANTIC!!!!!]
I am so thankful that I kept a journal of my adventure. My biggest regret is a lack of writing in my first three months. The day will come, and I'll have no idea what I did every month. Like March? What did I do then? There are a few parts of the year I feel like I lost. That never really happened. This is simply because I don't remember them. But for the most part I wrote things down, to remind myself later that it wasn't just a dream.
With school ending, it's starting to hit. Sink in. And it's not really the fact we are leaving... we'll be back. I'm sure of it. There is no doubt in my mind that we'll be back. What we are loosing in just a matter of days, is the exchange experience.
The exchange experience.
Oh my gooodness freaking gracious. What we have lived, breathed, thought about, loved (and sometimes hated) for so long (for more than just the time we've been here...) is going to come to an end. Another chapter in the book will be written, completed, and published. I know reading back at this, one day I'll give anything to be in the position I am now; writing my blog of the current news of my exchange year. There will come a day where I'll wish to go back in time, to this moment, when in all reality- I'm just typing. On my computer. In Spain, on exchange.
The countdown I've put up on my blog is starting to freak me out. I'll leave it though. Makes me make the best of my time left.
Which is now just... a long two week 'vacation' time. Not a hundred days. Not halfway. And sure enough, not the first three month mark.
As much as I know I'm going home to a great place, I have quite a few fears. The biggest being that I'll return, and it'll just feel like a dream. And it's true, what they say. You only remember the good things. This makes it a lot harder to be on the other side of the fence. It makes it a whole, lot harder.
Silly, I know. My biggest fear is that this whole year won't feel real.
As ridiculous as it sounds, I'm starting to feel like I was home just yesterday. That somehow, if I walk down the street long enough, I'll run into my American house, neighborhood, and everything is just so close. I don't know how it's possible to remember things more clearly- after more time, but it is.
And in a way, we've already finished the year. That's because so much less time remains. We can't make as many plans. They aren't so far away now. Heck, I'm starting to look for a second suitcase to bring home.
All the things they told us- It's a good experience. You should do this, but not this. And most of all- "how in the end, no matter how hard the road was, you'll appreciate it"... are true.
We cannot grasp the meaning during the ride. The end comes up on us, and yells in our face;
"This is it. Did you do it right? 'Cause there's no turning back now."
It reminds me of a sports team on a shoot out. An extra inning. Over time.
But paused.
You have the whole team, sitting there with there hands in their face, bent over- not knowing whether to cry in defeat or shout in happiness. Staring off, nervously waiting, thinking about what went wrong, and what went in their favor. There's sitting there waiting for the end result.
...For that last point, to win the game.
There's a quote I love. It goes something like- "Life's not about the destination, but the journey that takes you there along the way."
Which I couldn't agree with more. We didn't just go on exchange to learn a language. Or the fact to say we did it. We went for the journey. The end, what we take home is like a bonus.
But if we don't go home in two weeks and two days, when do we? When we're ready? So....when will that be? As much as it's sad to leave, we have to go home.
We signed up for ten months, not forever.
So when will we be ready? -is the ultimate question. If there wasn't a set date- when would we pick to come home? Before, or after?
Today I realized that next week starts my 'final week.' There's something in my mind that keeps telling me I'm not actually going back. That we're changing again. Starting all over, in a new place. That we will continue this long adventure for the rest of our lives, and going home is just a fantasy in a fairy tale. But July will roll around, and we'll be on our way home. But if this year has taught us anything, it should be this-
"When one door closes, another one opens. And sometimes those doors are slammed shut in your face- while the opened doors are rather hard to find. There are fake doors, trap doors, and others that lead to secret passage ways. It is our job to find those hidden doors, and persue the surprises that the other side brings."
-mb
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